Introduction
Have you ever done the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different outcome? Have you even ignored a problem too long expecting that it will go away by itself? That’s what I call false optimism or having an illusion of change. I am guilty of these many times in my life as well as in my journey as a parent of a neurodivergent child (Outlier). I have ignored the challenges faced by my Outlier saying that the problem will go away on its own if I wait long enough or the problem will go away as my child gets older. I have also gone down the same path without seeing any changes or better outcomes. I have thought that if I just disciplined my child differently everything would be resolved. For a long time, I tried to go down this path. There are many reasons why we do this. The primary reason is fear, and a close second is denial. The other common reason is that many of us are inflexible thinkers. We go down one path and are stuck to one way of thinking and refuse to think any other way.
Parents of Outliers are often afraid of going down the path of neurodivergence, partly because they are afraid of branding their child as an Outlier and partly because they think it is a scary path to tread. Fear is usually because of a lack of knowledge and understanding of the situation. The fear also stems from their own cultural and generational experiences as well as lack of good role models and support from their families. Taking the courage to research the different topics on neurodivergence will help alleviate the fear. Knowledge and understanding can be the beginning of overcoming fear! Once the initial fear is overcome, we can start to think about what needs action and how to act on it.
Most of us are also not very flexible in our thinking. In the busy world of being a parent with many responsibilities, changing course or doing something different needs effort, time and energy. Thus, doing something different is not exactly something a busy parent wants to jump on. However, we as loving parents of Outliers need take a different path even when it is not very comfortable as lack of action could make or break our Outlier and deny them the future they deserve.
Take action against False Optimism
Take action today! Inaction will not change anything. Just praying or hoping that problems will go away will only make things more difficult for you and your Outlier. The earlier you act, the higher chance of success for your child. I have been down the path of false optimism hoping all my Outlier’s challenges would magically go away as he grows older. I spent a good many years hoping and praying that things would get better for my Outlier. A priest once pointed out that there was a difference between faith and false optimism. I thought I was having faith and believing that everything would magically become better for my Outlier. Things only got worse, and it made me feel like terrible parent. When I was in the middle of all this, I didn’t relate to his statement.
However, when I looked back years later, I realized that God did hear my prayers and forced me to finally take action and helped me create the wonderful future I had always wished for my Outlier. While taking action was uncomfortable and challenging, I had to take courage to face my fears for the good of my child’s future. Sometimes, the changes you need to make are not supported by your spouse or it may create challenges if you have other children with busy schedules. However, none of these challenges should stop you from doing what is right for your outlier and creating the environment and support systems that are right for your child to reach their full potential. It is very important for your child to be in an environment that will set them up for success. I encourage you all to take courage, despite all fears and take action. This is the single most important step to help create the future you always wished for your child.
Become a flexible thinker
Even when you start taking action, there is another aspect that keeps us under the illusion of change false optimism without creating the outcomes we want for our child. We tend to go down the same path repeatedly, even though the path did not give the expected result. We put pressure on our Outlier to work harder and become disappointed when your child is not making progress instead of pausing to see what is really happening. Keeping an open mind is critical in the journey of parenting an outlier. Sometimes the path you are going down may not produce good results. Continuing along the path because you are inflexible and don’t want to try different options, will not change anything. Sometimes, we as parents of outliers must go back to the drawing board and redefine the approach we are taking. What worked before may not work now. Something about your outlier’s environment changed, so your old approach is not working. Don’t hesitate to go back to the drawing board and re-evaluate your approach. You may also have periods when things are working fine for months, and then other times where you must intervene and change things around
multiple times even within one month. Like always, the key to this journey is flexibility. This is the most important quality that will get you through this journey and create the success you want and envision for your outlier. I can’t emphasize this point enough.
Conclusion
Snap out of fear and denial and move on to acceptance faster. If you want to see different results for your child (Outlier), take a good look at your approach and what you have been doing and trying so far. Did it work? What results did it give? Reflect on this for a bit and maybe journal your thoughts. Be open to see the truth. What did you learn from this? Did the approach of being in denial and fear work for you? Are you going down a path that is not bringing about the outcome you wish for your child? It’s time to take a step back and redefine your approach and plan. Be a flexible thinker always because your Outlier’s world is constantly changing and so should your plans. You could spend a ton of wasted energy in situations that don’t support your child. There is no one-size-fits-all. You must figure out what works for your child’s specific needs. Being afraid of making changes or being afraid of going back to the drawing board to figure out a new plan, will only make things worse for you and your child, causing daily agony and stress. So, it is ok to make such even drastic environmental changes if it is the right thing for your child. Be flexible thinkers and take action!
